A Goan becomes India's Defence Minister

: A Goan becomes India's Defence minister. This is what we should expect :

- Code names for covert military operations will now have names like - Operation Brittos, Operation Club Cabana, Operation Lucky Star, etc

- All armed forces will shut shop and sleep from 1 pm to 6 pm everyday - whatever happens !

- All armed personnel will have to compulsory make fake tattoos on their arms with that dirty black ink which spoils all your clothes

- Cashew Feni & Kings Beer will be available free at all military posts including Siachen Glacier

- India will not fight any war from October to May when all the beach shacks are open and in business

- India will exit from Siachen and instead try to take over Karachi beach and any other beach which Pakistan has.

- Armed forces who are shifting from one military camp to another will now have to pay exorbitant taxi charges (approx Rs. 500/= per km)

- Military training will include beach paragliding, jet skiing, dolphin spotting & riding a banana boat for 20 mins without falling off..

- Regiment names will changed e.g. from Sikh Regiment, Gurkha Regiment etc to Candolim Regiment, Anjuna Regiment, etc. Baga Regiment will be the most crowded - full of North Indians.

- There will be no Army, Navy & Air Force. It will simply be called 'North' Armed Forces & 'South' Armed Forces henceforth

Phew !

My humble tribute to Indira Nooyi

Last night I got home from a killer show about 10, got into the garage, and my wife was waiting at the top of the stairs. And I said, "Wife, I've got great news for you." She said, "Let the news wait. Can you go out and get some milk?"


I looked in the garage and it looked like my domestic help was home. I said, "What time did he get home?" She said, "8:00." I said, "Why didn't you ask him to buy the milk?" "He's tired." [...] She said, just get the milk. We need it for the morning. So like a dutiful hubby, I went out and got the milk and came back.

I banged it on the counter and I said, "I had great news for you. I've just been told that I'm going to be the closing act at an important show. And all that you want me to do is go out and get the milk, what kind of a wife are you?"

And she said to me, "Let me explain something to you. You might be the best comedian. You might be a CEO who has got talent. But when you enter this house, you're the hubby, you're the father, you're the driver, the cook, my personal slave & in charge of the washing machine. You're all of that. Nobody else can take that place. So leave that damned crown in the garage. And don't bring it into the house. You know I've never seen that crown." ‪

MICROSOFT CEO is a Hindustani

An Indian Satya Nadella from Hyderabad becomes the CEO of Microsoft. Things you can expect now :

1. Each Windows CD will now ship with a free CD of 'Mata ki bhent' from T series

2. The default screen saver will be of India's iconic figure - Savita Bhabhiji

3. All their software will now support default languages like Marathi, Sindhi, Bhojpuri, Tapori, etc

4. All those dudes selling pirated copies of Microsoft software outside railway stations will be absorbed in Microsoft as Sr. sales executives.

5. After Windows 7, Windows 8, the next versions of Microsoft Windows will be named Windows Nav Do Gyarah, Windows 786, etc

6. No Microsoft software will ever be declared end-of-life. They will continue recycling it with the simple Indian mother's logic - how can you waste anything beta ?

7. All Microsoft employees including Bill Gates will have to oil their hair at work everyday, do Ganeshji ki pooja before start of work and eat dal rice with their hands at lunch henceforth.

8. All their products will come with option of installing it one by two, two by three, etc

9. All Microsoft products will stop working in Pakistan & China from today. Just a giant middle finger will appear as they boot their PCs with a sinister voice saying - Fucked you guys !

10. All Microsoft offices will globally follow Indian holiday list i.e. shut for Janmasthami, Shivaji Jayanti, Diwali & open during Easter & Christmas

11. All Microsoft employees will now be allowed to take 2 hours off on Raksha Bandhan (either morning or evening)

12. Bill Gates will change his name to Billu Ganesh just so that he blends with the rest of the Indians in the Co.

13. All Microsoft products will now have to compulsory have the ISI mark and MRP sticker globally.

14. Windows logo will be replaced with the Doordarshan logo

15. All Windows critical updates will henceforth be nothing but just updated menu cards from Paradise Biryani of Hyderabad.

Phew !

Boobs ! Breasts ! Boom !

Terror group Al-Qaida is plotting attacks on Heathrow Airport using women suicide bombers with explosives concealed in breast implants. My views :

- For once Al-Qaida have united all men-folk across religions! One thing we love most about women & these terrorists plan to blow them up ?? Rascals !

- Why to use females with big boobs when clearly they can use Punjabi men with bigger boobs ??

- Will the bar Hooters now be renamed Shooters ?

- The trigger in these boobie bombs will be in the bra hooks. Bomb diffusal squads which comprise men will have no clue on how to open/diffuse them

- Another dilemma these squads will face - To cut the red bra strap or blue bra strap ?

- What if only one boob explodes - does she get a refund or can she sue her doctor or does she go to hell?

- The Chemical formula for these bombs be 32B + 2(RDX) + C4 ----> 38D + BOOM !

- It will be a double whammy for these female terrorists when they die and go to heaven as none of the 72 male virgin would want to touch a female without boobs

- Some of the proposed names for these terror groups - Lashkar-e-Babblay , Hizboobs Mujahideen, Harkat-E-Mammay

- The next 'Die Hard' movie edition will star Bruce Willis on a wheelchair sitting in Immigration Dept at JFK airport just fondling boobs of females and screaming Yippie kaiye Mother fucker !

The practical benefits of reopening Dance Bars in India

The awesome super cool Supreme Court has ruled that Dance Bars can re-open in Mumbai. Hurrah ! Some benefits of reopening Dance Bars in Mumbai :-

- At least now you know a sure shot place where to get change of your 100 Rupee note.

- Complacent Girlfriends and Wives will now have to raise their game with their figures and dance moves

- New Generation will now know that TOPAZ is not just a blue colored gemstone

- Dance bars can rent out their venues on slow nights for other functions like mundan, Mata ki Chowki, standup comedy nights, poetry reading, divorce ceremonies, etc.

- Bachelor parties will once again regain their lost glory

- Bollywood Choreographers now know where to find good dancers in case of a sudden film shoot.

- Songs like Babli, Munni, Chameli, etc will finally find their true home rather than loitering around in wedding sangeet functions and kiddie birthday parties.

- At least now you know where to find your local cop / politician / goonda / husband in the night in case of an emergency

Guide to prevent mosquito bites this monsoon !

Monsoons are here and a long with Malaria Maata and Dengue Daata are here !! Simple guide to prevent mosquito bites this season :-

- Put a mosquito net over the bed but sleep unprotected on the couch. The mosquitoes will see the net, assume that you are sleeping on the bed,will focus their attack strategy on the bed thus leaving you alone to sleep peacefully on the couch.

- Spray half a can of HIT over your body, put ÀLL-OUT drops in your eyes & ears & drink 3 tbsp of BAYGON before you sleep. Remember - Loha lohe ko Kat-ta hain (Sholay, 1975)

- Burn camphor in your room. The mosquitoes are unaffected but it burns your eyes so much that you are wide awake throughout the night to hunt and kill them with your bare hands.

- Sleep in between your mother in law and wife every night. The mosquitoes will leave you alone ~ Hasn't this guy suffered enough?

- Keep your tennis/squash/badminton racket along with any medals and certificates you acquired in these sports near the bedside along with the mosquito racket. The mosquitoes will know not to mess with you. Fake certificates will not do as these guys are extremely Intelligent.

- Before you go to sleep start a good porn movie in your room TV. These guys may be hungry but are equally horny.

- Wear a mask of Raj Thackeray and sleep unprotected. Forget mosquitoes nobody will touch you.

If L.K. Advani would have to rescue 15000 Sindhis from Uttarakhand

Last week Narendra Modi rescued 15000 Gujjus from Uttarakhand overnight. If LK Advani would've to rescue 15000 Sindhis from there, it would never work out because :-

- There would've been considerable delay as LK Advani would've sulked, resigned from the BJP , sulked further and then rejoined BJP upset with Modi's first mover advantage. 

- Every single day of delay would increase the number of refugees as the horny sindhis would've started reproducing like rabbits.

- 15 days would've gone in just planning the menu & sourcing the food to be served to the refugees - Kulfi falooda from Kailash Parbhat , Colaba , Samosas from Guru Kripa, Sion, papads from Kalyan and sweet lassi from Bhagat Tarachand, Bhuleshwar. Sindhis will starve but never settle for anything less.

- It would've been difficult to overnight arrange for 15000 lawn mowers required to trim the one week overgrown ear and nose hair for all the refugees.

- The refugees would've refused to leave "Wadi Baba humne char dham ka paisa diya tha. Do dham abhi hi baaki hain. Pehle paisa refund karo vyaaj ke saath"

- A fight would've started between Notandas Jewellers and Charagh Din as to who would sponsor the entire campaign.

- The entire rescue would be delayed as LK Advani would have sent 80 raths instead of Toyota Innovas.

- In any case if 80 Toyota Innovas were sent, the Sindhis would've stripped them, put the spares in their bags and come and sell them at Opera house for a munaafa to recover the cost of the failed trip.

- The rescue operations would come to a standstill at sun down as everybody would start drinking their JW Black Label with half soda/half water/no ice. Cheers !