India is booming ! Especially in the new luxury cars ! As I had mentioned sometime back also nowadays in Mumbai its easier to spot an Audi than an Auto. People are buying high end luxury cars right, left and centre. However people should remember that while upgrading their car, they have to also to upgrade themselves !
So I have made some points about how people should conduct themselves while thy have upgraded from Autorickshaw/Premier/Maruti into the latest BMW/AUDI/MERC :
1. Firstly please wear only designer clothes henceforth.It looks very bad when you get out of your new BMW in a pant stitched from material bought from Babubhai Jagjiwandas at Dadar or a shirt made from a 2 x 2 shirt piece from Dadar Sation. From now on it has to be only be DIESEL/CK/FCUK, etc
2. Second but very important are the shoes as you dont want to put your old BATA hawaii sandals on those expensive mats on your latest AUDI. Only LV/Jimmy Choo/Ferrarogamo/etc . For your driver also you have to buy at least Florsheim !
3. In a nutshell you have to upgrade all accessories..your specs should be gold rimmed, your pen should be minm. Mont Blanc, wear a tie (when you sit in the car even if you dont wear one at office), only CK undies, read Economic Times on your IPAD2..the overall package.. I hope you are getting the drift.
4. You have to shave everyday, take a facial and blow dry your hair every week so that people who look at you at a red light shouldn't wonder ~ Saala driver hain kya owner ?
5. Trim your ear and nose hair regularly. Do not scratch your balls or remove your undies stuck deep inside your gaand in public. Most important, do not dig your nose deeply for gold at red lights. Now you are a German Car owner and you don't need the extra gold !
6. You have to ensure that your driver has a bath everyday. If you are not sure if he does, then please make it a point to personally give him a bath. A Bihari driver's Body Odour can fuck up your entire experience of a new car. Also no shirt/pant for your driver. Only a Black or dark grey safari suit. All above points apply for him too. Also now please don't call him driver but "chauffeur".
7. You have to change your eating habits..No Kachoris / Wadas / Samosas/ fatty stuff. Even though the luxury cars have a fantastic cooling and air supply system, remember you are now sitting on a Stanley leather seat ~ a fart is a fart and it can burn your seat ! No burps too ! Only light Salads, less of carbs and absolutely no moolis !
8. Also most importantly no chewing of gutka / pan masala / tambhakoo pan. Remember everytime you open the door at a signal and spit out that beautiful shade of red spit from your mouth ..your car valuation drops by Rs. 2 Lacs. So give it up fucker ! This will also help you to get rid of your long overdue bad habit and you may perhaps live longer to enjoy the car.
9. You have to meditate so that you do not get angry at every rickshaw and bike fucker who cuts you and ghusaavs in front of you for that extra inch of space. You have to learn to breathe and just ignore them..no getting out of the car and beating them up or even imaging that you are butt-fucking them. Remember you are a MERC owner now ! Control !
10. Continuing with the above..no hindi bad words like ~ "bhenchod kutte ki maut marega" or "lavdu kis madarchod ne tumko gaadi chalaana sikhaya" ..You have to use (actually just mutter under your breath) elite bad words like ~ "You rotten scoundrel" or "Oh ! You filthy ignoramus" ..Remember bigger the car more elite should be your bad word.
11. With your new luxury car, you can't be seen at places like Bade Miyan , Amar Juice Centre , Maruti Pav Bhaaji, etc..time to move up buddy and eat at only places like Hakkasan, Olive, Aurus and 5 star hotels where even the valets understand your German car.
12. Continuing with the above, tips to the valet guys should be according to your car. As per new rules issued by the Indo-German chamber of Commerce, these are the std. tips nowadays : Audi A4/MERC C Class/BMW 3 Series = INR 100 , Audi A6/MERC E Class/BMW 5 Series = INR 500 and so on..And remember to smile and give even though we all know how much it must be pinching you and maybe you may not get sleep at night.
13. Most important - All those guys who have bought a new luxury car (above 30+ lacs) in the last 2 Financial years cannot utter or even speak about recession or slowdown or depressing economic situation at parties or get-togethers. They have to speak of only +ve things. Failure to do so should attract penalty of the highest order from the IT Dept. and immediate arrest if possible.
14. We understand that most luxury cars come with either Bose or B&O or some other high end systems ~ No listening to Auto-rickshaw music like Chikni Chameli, Bodyguard or Choli ke peeche kya hain..From now on only Mozart , Amadeus or greatest hits of Kenny G. or Andreas Vollenweider.
15. We all know that how you feel everytime your car goes to the garage, it sets you back by a couple of ten thousands but then you are a brave soldier and take your bullets on your chest with a smile ! No frowning or going into depression , the day your car goes for routine servicing.
In short remember this dialogue from the movie "Spiderman" ~ With great car comes greater responsibility !
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